Parenting Advice

Raise Your Kids without Raising your Voice

(Summary of a seminar by Sarah Chana Radcliffe)

Speaker’s website: www.parentingadvice.com

· No doubt, we yell at our kids because we love them and because we care.

· When we express our anger towards our kids, we start to notice short term effects on their behaviour (e.g. bedwetting, nail biting…etc). When anger is expressed more often, there will be a long term effect (e.g. depression, anxiety...etc).

· As we increasingly show anger, our relationship with our kids gets worse over time.

· There’s a certain amount of showing anger where the child still knows that they are loved by you. It is important that our children know that they are loved by us (the parent). The speaker emphasised that it is never too late regardless of what the past may be or how old the child is.

· When we yell at our kids, we are effectively yelling all the way down to our grandchildren; since it would reflect on our children’s behaviour/communication with their offspring. They will say things the way their parents did subconsciously and sometimes against their own will.

· The more your child likes you, the more s/he wants to be like you.

The speaker then talked about five rules to follow when it comes to our communication with our kids.

1. The 80/20 rule

o It should be observed at all times.

o You should have a ‘good feeling’ communication 8 out of 10 times we talk to our kids. With our teenage kids, it goes up to 9 out of 10!!

o examples of ‘good feeling’ communication: Smiling, acceptance, agreement, positive feedback, pleasant conversation, joking, playing, laughter…etc

o examples of ‘bad feeling’ communication: ignoring, negative feedback, arguments, yelling, fighting even if it is with other people like your partner or other sibling or outsiders…if the child is witnessing this…it would count as a negative communication!

o On average, parents/children communication is 94% negative.

o As working mothers ourselves, we only have two times to focus on…morning and after work + weekends/holidays…etc.

o Don’t waste your negative points/remarks…bank them as much as you can…chances are you’ll need to use them sometime J.

o The speaker suggested putting 8 pennies and 2 dimes in one pocket. So the logic is to move one coin to the other pocket with every comment where pennies are for positive remarks and dimes are for the negative ones. This way you can see where you’re at.

2. Emotional Coaching.

o There are five types of emotions (happy, sad, mad, scared, and confused). We expect our children to be happy all the time without accepting the full range of emotions. Which really means that we do not accept them (our kids)?!

o We should treat our kids like we like to be treated. For example, how would we like your partner to react to your ranting after a hard long day at work??? All we need is reassurance really (in other words encouraging the negative self talk). An example would be repeating what your child is saying back to him/her. So that child would say: I think I’m ugly!

- Really, you think you’re ugly??

- No, but I don’t like my hair!

– Oh, so you don’t like your hair…yeah…it must be difficult to not like your hair (all of that with sympathy of course). The speaker expressed how we as parents run away terrified of the negative emotions expressed by our children and that we don’t really want to hear that they are anything else but happy. Yet we need to be able to let our children clear off their emotions by letting it out while we listen with sympathy. So the first step would be accepting the feeling (it’s not a problem to be not happy). So after naming the feeling we stop…PERIOD! And avoid using ‘but’ because the word ‘but’ would invalidate whatever you said before.

3. The CLR method (C= comment, L = label, R = reward)

o When our kids are little, they listen to us so attentively à the parent is really like a hypnotist.

o To correct a child, use the opposite word of what the negative behaviour is. So, if the kid is rude, you would not say don’t be rude, but instead say I want you to be polite. So make a list of the things you want your child to be/do and use these words.

o Correction is considered a mild type of negative communication. So even though saying: “I want you to be polite/speak to me politely” is still in the negative communication side; it is considered necessary.

o Comments include appreciation, praise, acknowledgment.

o Put a label to good behaviour. NOTE: it doesn’t matter what type of grammar we utilize when we use negative labels because it is retained in the brain as such. So saying something like: what you do is bad instead of saying you are bad would not cut it.

o Reward the brain instead of punishing. So if the behaviour is new, you can reward it, but thin it out with time. If the behaviour is good but not new, you can stick to the CL.

o Use consequences to discipline while guiding and teaching. Don’t wait until you get upset and then start yelling when things are not going in the right direction.

o Think of giving consequences like a police officer would when ticking you for a speeding ticket. The officer is polite and isn’t angry or yelling. And at the receiving end, we are still polite (because if we are aggressive/yelling/spitting/kicking we could end up in jailà so bigger offence automatically translates to bigger consequences). We also wouldn’t through the ticket away because that could mean paying more $$ and probably ending up in jail in the long run.

o Consider the age group when setting rules around offences and consequences (warnings, tickets, jail time, taking things away….etc)

o Three ways to go to jail: (1) disrespecting authority (2) not paying tickets (3) dangerous/disruptive behaviour. Everything else is worth a ticket. How long in “jail”? Not more than 24hrs.

4. The two times rule.

o If we repeat things more than twice, we start to get upset.

o Step 1: ask your child to do/not do something once the first time.

o Step 2: give a warning and name the consequence the second time.

o Step 3: give the ticket and STICK TO IT!

o NOTE: never punish a child without giving a warning first, no matter how grave the offence is (even if the offence is breaking an expensive chandelier).

o There will be no harm or trauma with consequences. However, anger could cause trauma. For example: no name calling à offender will stand facing the wall and count à no chocolate cake at dinner à implement the consequence and stick to it.

o If the behaviour is not improving, then change the consequence. Think about it this way; if the parking ticket is not high enough or similar to a day parking fee, then we might decide to park and get the ticket anyway.

5. The relationship rule.

o I only give respectful communication and I only accept respectful communication in return. I don’t raise my voice/roll eyes/slam doors to you then you don’t do this to me as well. Trick is: can you say the first part??